The Neighborhood

11:17am: 'amo?
postponed the wedding and sort of disappeared. i hate myself fo rhurting him but i can't explain why i have to do this. he asks if i love him, yes, god yes. he asks if we will marry, of course, with conviction. but i need to love here too, i need to love my family too.

when i am not so poor, when i can give you everything. mr valentine, well be together soon.

7:47pm: bastardo.
Hang your head in shame, you dare accuse our mother. A curse upon your name and all your future sons.
The hour is at hand, she will be the herald - the reign of woman kind.
Let the blood rain down forever and ever.

I want to shoot up with god! acid trip last night i thought my head was finally going to explode. it's not a migraine is aid in tears, my head just wants to pop.

our new place, beautiful. i'm waiting for a phone call and alexander you saved me from a bad trip. will the carnivores be playing here soon?

where is art?
it's the tears of the retarded children when you tell them there's no god.

4:05pm: o so long, on hold.
Bell real-estate values my call.

I vomited at work, all day today. I wanted to leave, go home,t ake a bath, nap. no no, youll get written up if you leave, tha tmeans youll get fired soon too. they're just waiting for it. now i'm home, running my errands as much as i can throughout the telephone and the computer.rented out to college stundents? i'm hip!

so we're moving into a place on 18th and willamette. deposit is a bit more, but nothing i cant handle.tomorrow e go to pick up the addresses, look around, then stop back by bell realestate and set up an appointment.

i cant decide if i want to vomit or not.

amy and i went to a strip club. i had mroe fun at the oxygen bar than staring wide eyed at a bunch of a strippers. do these men feel good that they have to pay money to get a girls attention?

my friends bought me lapdances and I felt sick to my stomach.w e went to dennys afterwards saw justin whom was really drunk- enjoyed that.

i need a cup of coffee.

oh - i havent eaten in 48 hours and i really really want to.

8:05am: oh no!
Dear Mr. Valentine,
The streetlights are burnt-out.

I have to ask you a few questions. I feel nervous thinking about it.

Did I hurt your feelings?
Do you miss me?
Do you love me?
Are you angry?
Why are you gone?

I will give you my answers.
I am not going to be sick anymore. I promised myself. My cat has a tumour So of course I'm upset. I cried last night at Eleven. I don't know what I did wrong.

I'm listening to Une Annee Sans Lumiere. I'm depressed. I can feel it in bones like I am thirteen again. It hurts all over Alex. Everything is wrong. Jordan is coming by in two days to drop off her rabbit. I am going to watch over it for a month until she has a new home. I lost the job and it burns like fire. I couldnt go to the interview for bile instead. I feel stupid all of the time. I feel guilty and anxious. I feel numb too. I feel numb when I take showers. I feel numb when I wash my hair. I feel numb when I put on my ripped jeans an dold t shirts. I feel numb when I force myself to eat. I feel numb all of the time Alex.
I am so scared without you. I am so scared you won't come back this time. It seems like there is something different. I think I did something to change us. I think I loved you too much. I think I ruined everything.

I am sorry, friend, if you're gone for good.

I am so sorry for being who I am.

11:39pm: playground rules

let's be fair.